Conversations this week: people saying “I’m just so tired of the children doing this and my bad reactions.” “I know we’re supposed to be doing this and I can even see God working out the details and all I can say is ‘ That’s nice God, but what about X?”
Myself running out of steam these last weeks before #4 makes his/her appearance, having trouble with back and leg muscles and still needing to push on, clean house, finish a few things, teach school and make things ready. Su coming down with the same fever virus that F had two weeks ago…
Too much to even know how to pray about, too much to even talk about (if I think about it too hard it’s overwhelming and I cry).
Then lying in bed the other night, S fast asleep, the house quiet and me trying to find the exact right sleeping position…I remember in the vivid way in which the Holy Spirit brings things to mind…the last time things felt like this:
W was two months old and had just been admitted to the hospital, with an unknown and serious condition. Tests were being run, but no one had any ideas what the problem was, and certainly not if things were treatable. S stayed with him while I drove the hour and a half home to get some fresh clothes and spend a little time with F and Su. As I headed out I was thinking “What am I going to tell the children?” They were just turned three and two. We had celebrated their birthdays the morning of the day W had gone into the hospital. I knew they would be worried and missing parents and I didn’t have anything to tell them beyond “The doctors are trying to figure out what’s wrong.”
I drove and I cried and I prayed, “Lord, you’ve got to deal with this I can’t. Lord, we love this little boy and we can’t care for him, you do it.”
Through some of the prettiest country in Virginia, wondering if I should pull off the road until I could see more clearly…
And then by the grace of God my prayers changed “Lord, this is not outside of your care and control, thank you for dealing with it, however it turns out, whatever it is. You made W, you gave him to us, whatever happens I know you are taking care of him better than I ever could.”
I knew that the outcome would be good whether it felt good at the time or not. I had no assurance that W would even live, but I knew beyond any doubt that he was safer with God than he could be with anyone. I knew that we would have strength to go through whatever was in front of us. I knew that the children would be fine with friends. I knew that we would be able to pay the hospital bill (S had no job at the time).
I lose that knowledge sometimes. Life presses in and I forget that it’s all grace. Grace brings us through the night, wakes us in the morning and no matter what does or doesn’t get done, there is still grace.
Grace is ministered to us and we reach out with grace to our families, our children and our neighbors. When I remember this then I can just rest…in grace.