Grace, Just Grace

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Conversations this week: people saying “I’m just so tired of the children doing this and my bad reactions.” “I know we’re supposed to be doing this and I can even see God working out the details and all I can say is ‘ That’s nice God, but what about X?”

Myself running out of steam these last weeks before #4 makes his/her appearance, having trouble with back and leg muscles and still needing to push on, clean house, finish a few things, teach school and make things ready. Su coming down with the same fever virus that F had two weeks ago…

Too much to even know how to pray about, too much to even talk about (if I think about it too hard it’s overwhelming and I cry).

Then lying in bed the other night, S fast asleep, the house quiet and me trying to find the exact right sleeping position…I remember in the vivid way in which the Holy Spirit brings things to mind…the last time things felt like this:

W was two months old and had just been admitted to the hospital, with an unknown and serious condition. Tests were being run, but no one had any ideas what the problem was, and certainly not if things were treatable. S stayed with him while I drove the hour and a half home to get some fresh clothes and spend a little time with F and Su. As I headed out I was thinking “What am I going to tell the children?” They were just turned three and two. We had celebrated their birthdays the morning of the day W had gone into the hospital. I knew they would be worried and missing parents and I didn’t have anything to tell them beyond “The doctors are trying to figure out what’s wrong.”

I drove and I cried and I prayed, “Lord, you’ve got to deal with this I can’t. Lord, we love this little boy and we can’t care for him, you do it.”

Through some of the prettiest country in Virginia, wondering if I should pull off the road until I could see more clearly…

And then by the grace of God my prayers changed “Lord, this is not outside of your care and control, thank you for dealing with it, however it turns out, whatever it is. You made W, you gave him to us, whatever happens I know you are taking care of him better than I ever could.”

I knew that the outcome would be good whether it felt good at the time or not. I had no assurance that W would even live, but I knew beyond any doubt that he was safer with God than he could be with anyone. I knew that we would have strength to go through whatever was in front of us. I knew that the children would be fine with friends. I knew that we would be able to pay the hospital bill (S had no job at the time).

I lose that knowledge sometimes. Life presses in and I forget that it’s all grace. Grace brings us through the night, wakes us in the morning and no matter what does or doesn’t get done, there is still grace.

Grace is ministered to us and we reach out with grace to our families, our children and our neighbors. When I remember this then I can just rest…in grace.

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4 Responses to Grace, Just Grace

  1. You have written beautifully, here. My hardest thing is opening my hands. I want to clutch and claim so many people and things that don’t really belong to me except insofar as the Lords allows me to borrow them. My God continue to bless and keep as your daughter recovers and you wait for #4.

  2. Dear Kyndra,
    This is so very precious! I have been in that place where “deep called to deep” in the recesses of my spirit and there simply were no words. It was there that the Spirit met me in such an incredible way, where Peace flooded my spirit and my will was submitted completely to His. May He continue to meet your every need, in His perfect provision, perfectly timed to reveal His Love. May He sustain in these last few days as you await the arrival of #4. Thank you so much for testifying of His Faithfulness to you and linking up!!! :)

  3. Kendra says:

    I remember how you were when you came home that afternoon: dazed, fragile, quiet. And very brave. Thanks for sharing the background details. I think it’s so valuable to tell about those moments when you find that God is all you have, and you realize that He is enough. You never know when your story might be someone’s bridge between hope & despair. Been there, done that.

    Oh, and try to find some time to put up your feet today! L is going to need SOMETHING to do when she comes! :)

    Hugs!
    ~your twin

    • K_Steinmann says:

      I’m trying to put my feet up at least a little. The van broke down this morning and W is now sick with the virus Su had so I guess I won’t be going much of anywhere for a few days! One thing is for certain- my life is NEVER boring…and I am going to get together with you for a virtual cup of tea!…K

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